Belmont Village Quarterly Newsletter
on Senior Living

Communicating
with Your Parents:
The Next Chapter

Our parents are our earliest teachers and leaders—much of how we think about and operate in the world comes from the guidance we received from them, through childhood and beyond.  As they become elder adults, many aspects of life begin to change for them and for us.  And as often happens there can be a gap between what’s expected and what actually occurs, presenting challenges on both sides as older parents and adult children come to terms with changing roles and new family dynamics.

As needs and abilities change, a gradual shift often occurs between seniors and their adult children. 
The children may become more involved in
decision-making and begin to take over responsibilities for finances, physical well-being, transportation, and other basic tasks.

“Usually, this is a bit awkward for both the seniors and their children,” says Beverly Sanborn, LCSW, Belmont Village gerontologist.  “For the senior, admitting that they need help, and that they may need to hand the reins to their child, requires a level of acceptance that is difficult.  And taking the reins is just as hard.  It can be a huge source of discomfort and anxiety for the adult child, because it first requires that he or she acknowledge a parent’s vulnerability.”

Finding the appropriate balance can be tricky.  Our first instinct may be to do too much or too little - either by trying to take control of everything at the first sign of weakness, or by assuming that our parents are capable of doing it all because they don’t ask for help.  It’s a sensitive issue that can lead to tension, frustration and conflict between parent and child. That’s why it’s important for families to realistically look at changes and be prepared to positively and respectfully communicate with aging parents and loved ones.

When the time comes, you will undoubtedly have a series of specific issues to discuss.  The following guidelines are provided to help you focus your efforts on getting the best results for all in a sensitive situation:

• Think ahead as to when and where to have the conversation. Pick a place and time when older relatives can hear what you are saying without family and holiday distractions.

• Consider having a mutual ally present when beginning important and potentially emotional discussions. Having someone who is trusted by both parties may make things easier.

• Speak in the context of your own perception and feelings, acknowledging and leaving room for other points of view.  “I” statements can lead to negotiation and sharing, while “you” statements can sound accusatory and may create conflict. 

• Accept that everything won’t be decided at once. Often in these conversations, once the initial point is agreed upon, too much is attempted too quickly and the point is lost. 

• Listen and acknowledge the concerns and questions of others. 

• Slow down and give others time to process and think about what you are presenting. Be prepared to have more than one conversation, and expect to revisit tough issues several times. 

• Respect the rights of the others to disagree.

• Calmly stand your own ground. You can be assertive and clear about your beliefs and your point of view without denying others their rights and perspectives.

• Be aware of your own feelings and reactions to the situation and to the others involved. Give some advance thought about how you typically react in family situations and find ways to ensure that your responses are appropriate, positive and productive.

• Practice the conversation with someone you trust to listen and to let you know how you’re coming across. Ask them specifically to point out behaviors or actions that might send the wrong message. Practicing what you want to say can help decrease anxiety.

• Remember that you’re working together. Family relationships are complicated.  Keep in mind that the goal is to work together in the best interest of all. 

Every family and situation is different—this list is intended to offer some helpful basic guidelines for successful communications, but should be adapted to appropriately fit your personal circumstances. 

“Each family must ultimately determine for themselves what works best for them.  The important thing to know is that you don’t have to go it alone,” says Sanborn.  “This is something most of go through—our parents went through it before us—and now there are more resources available than ever before to ease the transition.”

Belmont Village communities offer a variety of helpful seminars and support groups for seniors and families.  Visit www.belmontvillage.com for a list of events by community.

For families who are considering Senior Living, a short stay can be an ideal way for seniors to “test drive” the services, amenities and lifestyle offered by a community.  It can also provide peace of mind for seniors and their children when travel, work or family obligations conflict with doctor appointments, or with meeting assistance needs.  To inquire about short stays or to learn more about Belmont Village, please click here for community contact information.

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